hello!

Inspired by THE BUZZMOB's Let the Right One In mission, I'm tackling the topic of bullying.

bully [n.]

a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.

Towering at a mind-blowing 4 foot 11 at 17 years old, I know what it's like to have been bullied for my size. When I was in second grade, two boys constantly called me "midget" and stole my Oreos pretty much everyday at lunch. That type of terrorism started my whole height insecurity. Except that's kind of a funny story since one of the boys is now one of my closest friends. To this day, I still get made fun of for my height (or lack thereof), I've just gotten used to it. I even crack a joke myself once in awhile because, what else can I do? Yeah it bugs me every so often but I'm just glad that the jokes aren't pointed at something I'm more insecure about.

Speaking of insecurities, they also say that insecurity brings about bullying. Which causes me to turn inward. Do I bully? I probably do, psychologically, without meaning to. I hate to say this but, I'm a girl.

OMG Anyone else feel feel a Mean Girls quote coming on?! : D


I like to talk about people, and I like to share what I think about people. Positive or negative. If I think they're fat, I will say so. If I think they're dumb, I will say so. If I don't like them, I will say so. And, in a way, I think that makes me a bully. Especially when it comes to getting others to agree with my point of view in cases where it is negative. Personally, I can admit that it makes me feel better when I say something negative about a person and laugh. It's a stupid way to gain a confidence boost, but it works. If other people agree with what I say and laugh too, it makes me feel even better. I get a sick sense of approval from it. But that's all it does. It makes me feel better about myself for a couple seconds. I'll hide behind "Oh but I'm being honest" or "Oh, it's just a joke" which I usually am. I make jokes based on truth and I don't see the point in making up things when I find the truth funnier, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm making myself feel better at another person's expense.

Do I think I'm a bad person for doing that? No. I think I'm human. I admire those who can rise above that.

There, I said it.
Rosalie aka XxRCCola

Today was full of ups and downs.

They started this demonstration/program thing called Every 15 Minutes today at school. The idea is that the statistic says that "every 15 minutes" a teenager dies in a drug/alcohol related car accident, and it's a two-day experience meant to simulate dealing with alcohol related deaths and the after effects and consequences, etc. I found it was difficult to walk a fine line between overly theatrical, realistic, and all too real. Especially since my school went through the loss of a student in an alcohol related accident last year while preparing to have an Every 15 Minutes program (they canceled the program last year after the tragedy and rescheduled for this year).

A friend of mine was picked to be taken out of class by the grim reaper so it was odd seeing a gravestone for him set up on campus and having him not be around. He's not allowed to talk or see anyone until after school tomorrow. He's literally playing dead. Tomorrow might be weird too, at the "memorial service." We'll see how I feel about it. I always find myself emotionally detached in situations like this, but I understand the implications of how some other people were affected. While I know that at the end of the day on Friday, they'll all be back, I'm also able to put myself in the mindset that there are students that don't get to return.


The rest of the day was full of little surprises. First of all, I had a Push Up Popsicle at lunch! I was wandering with my friend Ashley and we stopped at a group of her friends. There was an acquaintance of mine, her name was Mira, and I saw she had a Push Up, and I was like OH MY GOSH I WISH I HAD ONE! Unexpectedly, she reaches into her bag and pulls out an entire box of them. Way to make my life, Mira.

Ahhh, I forget sometimes how awesome the weather is. I woke up this morning and texted Google for the forecast. It predicted a high of 81F, Clear day today. It was exactly right. So perfect outside, I was so happy. I don't even like going to the beach, but I would have today. After school, my friend Erin and I went to the park by my house, spread out a blanket, and napped.

That's right. We took a nap in the shade of a tree. It was so relaxing, the sun was out, but it was wonderfully breezy in the shade. As my eyes were closed, I could hear birds chatting and chirping, children's shrieks of delight as they played on the jungle gym and even a family cheering their young daughter on as she tried to ride a bike for the first time. Even though the sounds were painting the image in my mind, nothing changed when I opened my eyes. It looked exactly how a sunny day in California suburbia should look. Everything was picturesque and I wish I had my Polaroid camera (or any camera, for that matter) working today. I would have taken it to the park and had a ball.

Though I was almost tempted to go with ElRich's suggestion of discussing drunk babies for Unleashed! this week, I opted to go for a topic that was inspired by the lovely BreeSays. In an off-handed IM conversation (don't ask us how we got there), she asked:

Negativity bit me, but in the end I didn't really care!

In reference to the auditions, I have a small singing solo and though I was initially pissed I didn't get any lines, I guess it works out better for me this way. A lead would have probably been way too much for me to handle. Optimism kicked in and I decided I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure the ensemble kicks total butt this year. No way is the musical going to suck my senior year. Especially since this is quite possibly the last musical I'll do ever. =O Read through today, I can tell it's going to be tons of fun. Besides, if I didn't do the musical, I'd regret it, hurt while watching it, and have no one to hang out with at school since they would all be in the show. LOL.

As for my mood, I haven't felt an improvement.

The past week has been really weird. I'm moody, messy, restless, senseless (a la Ashlee Simpson-Wentz). I've been really sassy and easily irritated by people lately. Even people I love. Actually, especially people I love. I've been sinking into downer moods, without a recovery. Just distraction from my bad mood. All of this, for no apparent reason!

I know it can't be all sunshine and daisies for me. I wouldn't want it to be that way all the time, that would be obnoxious. I just wish I knew the reason why! Maybe I just haven't fully recovered from the emotional roller coaster I was on. Stress, stress, stress.

The other week, my worlds collided when I had to juggle Anaheim Youth Day (the church sphere of my life) and The One Acts Festival (the theater/choir sphere of my life). As soon as I got home from Youth Day, I had to speed off and change in the car to get to The One Acts to run stuff for my show. I freaked out and I tend to be overly sensitive and snap when the pressure is on.


Hopefully reasons will reveal themselves in time. Except, we're studying The Stranger in English these days, and with all the existentialist philosophies I'm kinda like "There's no point in searching for a reason!" Lulz.

There have been certain people that have been able to make me feel better and I thank goodness for them.


In other news:

Auditions for the school musical were last week. So cross your fingers that I got a role! I find out tomorrow. My impatience is killing me. It's my last shot for a good role during my high school career, so here's hoping!

I gave up cursing for Lent and so far, I'm doing really well. I'm beginning to realize that I don't need it, sound better without it, and I'm also finding it more fun to figure out more creative ways and words to use to express my anger! I'm having fun figuring out all the different possible synonyms for the words butt and poop. Bahahahaha.